Oxford Academy is no whimsical playground, and it can be easy to feel like you are doing everything wrong. You are probably right, but that’s okay! With solutions to some of Oxford’s most pressing problems, the Damut’s foolproof advice is sure to channel your hormonal, teenage angst into Patriot-perfect excellence.

I have an essay I procrastinated and it’s due tomorrow, what should I do?

Never do anything yourself that you could make someone else do instead. Enlist an impressionable underclassman and have them write it for you — preferably someone eager, spry, and types at least 75 wpm. Some people may call this “unethical” or “manipulative,” but real professionals call this “delegation.”

I’m a senior, but people keep mistaking me for a seventh grader because I’m short. How can I avoid this?

As a senior, you are no longer the runt of the litter. You are the beast — make sure everyone knows this. Assert your dominance by crawling in the hallways on all fours, emulating the fierceness of a tiger. For an added effect, howl among the seas of underclassmen as a flex of strength and establish your alpha status among the packs of beta males.

My classes are too far from each other and I never make it there in time during passing period. How do I fix this?

Even at Oxford’s junior-high-sized campus, the five minutes to get to class is sometimes not enough. However, this life hack will certainly help you attain your monthly Perfect Attendance awards! Induce a major, life-threatening medical emergency so someone nearby will call you an ambulance. With emergency personnel’s speedy and cost-effective assistance, you will get to your class in no time.

What should I do to get into a good college?

Show colleges that you are desirable by getting on the FBI’s most wanted list — nothing spices up the game more than some competition! For those not quite skilled enough to be federally prosecuted, think outside of the box. For example, if your dream job is to work at Facebook, get involved in a smaller pyramid scheme so you can flaunt your career experience when application season rolls around.

Help! My S/O wants to break up.

Win back their love, promposal-style. Recruit ASB to make you the perfect poster with a heartfelt message like, “Please donut break up with me! 🍩” Present it to your S/O in a very public place like the middle of the quad and sing a beautiful ballad about how sorry you are and how hard it is to find romance on the nerdiest campus around.

How can I dress more fashionably?

Transfer to a different school!