The effects of the Columbian Exchange have officially reached Oxford Academy. A study done by Oxford’s very own AP Environmental Science class for the capstone memoir has identified a local invasive species: the beta male. A student body once full of giga-chad alphas is dwindling, exacerbated by the extinction of the class of 2022, as betas take over. To reverse the beta-fication of the school and come out on top, the Oxford community must embrace its primal instincts and encourage school fights. 

The issue with the current student body is its hyper-fixation with new technology. Due to the long-lasting effects of the COVID-19 lockdown, there is a lack of people “touching grass,” and the dependence on technology has gone so far that students have been caught dating AI chatboxes and playing the mid game, League of Legends. These disgusting habits have led to Oxford’s ranking dropping to a pathetic #3, and a stunted growth epidemic across campus: The school’s average height has dropped from 8’12.5 to 4’7. 

As the philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau orated, society is a corrupting force while nature is pure. Thus, Oxford must reject the hold that societal conformity has on human beings and accept nature. According to Charles Darwin, humans evolved from apes; therefore, humans are monkeys. Continuing on the tradition of our ancestors, we must “return to monkey.” To successfully transition from the clutches of an oppressive society to the freedom of nature, Oxford must embrace primal instincts, including violence. 

In order to restore Oxford’s excellence, developing the 5Cs is crucial. From building character by growing from fresh experiences to collaborating with others while beating them to a pulp, violence is the most effective way to employ the 5Cs! 

“In terms of critical thinking, some students have issues with critical thinking. If students are knocked around a few times, their brain cells would realign, letting them think better,” senior Anji Smith, lone wolf, alpha female, and furry enthusiast said. 

These effects also suit OA’s emphasis on a growth mindset: those that fight win, growing in the process. The implementation of violence at Oxford Academy is sure to be impactful, promoting natural selection. The weak links of Oxford will naturally be weeded out in school fights, and our school will achieve excellence once again. In the words of Mr. Loyar, “Character is destiny.” To fulfill our destiny of an alpha school, we must build character by fighting. 

Of course, many teachers worry about how fighting will correspond with the school’s core values. Fighting doesn’t even begin with a C! However, looking beyond the inconsistency of the lettering, violence fits quite well into our campus. In English class, students learn the skill of tactful argumentation. Fighting strengthens pupils’ physical argumentation skills (the sole prerequisite OA doesn’t fulfill in the A-H requirements) and it allows students to analyze nuances in body language. Furthermore, Oxford promotes individualism, an essential part of our American identity as Patriots. As fighting encourages territorial marking, students build independence by standing their ground.

Furthermore, middle and high school is a time of self-discovery and growth which Oxford Academy has aimed to memorialize through the capstone project. The blood, sweat, and tears that go into winning a battle are priceless moments of personal growth and self-reflection, emulating the adolescent experience and making it the perfect component to include in the OA memoir. In addition to illuminating the past, violence can help students reach their goals for the future. Being an alpha is no easy task: it requires effort, dedication, and leadership to succeed. Including alpha status on college admissions is sure to woo (or intimidate) the admission officers, guaranteeing a full-ride to students’ dream college. 

Engaging in fisticuffs can only enhance Oxford Academy and return it to its alpha status. Making this change on campus is not difficult, with the school’s foundation being based on violence: students fight their way to reach the front of the lunch lines, and students belt out the fight song every rally. In order to restore OA’s foundation and true nature, students are the key to inciting change. Punch someone near you today!