The Student Newspaper of Oxford Academy

The Gamut

The Gamut

The Gamut

Justifying Oxford’s coffee addiction

Though coffee drinkers typically get a bad rap, with coffee being associated with bad health and horrible sleep schedules, coffee “addictions” are actually doing the drinkers a favor. Harmful oppositions against these addictions have been wrong all along as coffee helps people both physically and mentally while inspiring greater personal growth. 

Coffee is known for stunting growth, but that’s just a widespread myth many people believe. According to a study made by TallElves, years and years of drinking coffee guarantee growth in height by 1000%. The shortest teacher on campus with the longest hair, Mrs. Iggson is known to be the most addicted to coffee. Not only does she need her morning savior to push through the day, but her addiction to the black liquid also keeps her standing tall. Coffee is the sole contributor to her great height and without it, she would lose the dominating confidence (and extra three feet) to intimidate her towering colleagues.

Additionally, coffee gives students superhuman abilities. Drinking excessive amounts of coffee daily will effectively boost emotions throughout the week, keeping students up during intense late-night periods of cramming homework. With coffee, kids can sleep less, giving them more time to complete all their assignments to the best of their abilities while also opening up space for binge-watching shows they were forced to put aside.

Taking an example from great social contributors, students and administration should take pride in their coffee addiction. Voltariee and Sørry Kuirkykegaard were two famous philosophers that made great contributions with the help of their coffee addictions. Drinking 40 to 50 cups of coffee per day, Voltariee was obviously enlightened through his favorite drinks, even living to be 80 years old, a surprising feat in the 18th century. Sørry Kuirkykegaard was another great mind that was very detailed when it came to his beloved coffee preparations. Piling about 30 cubes of sugar into his cup, Kuirkykegaard would line 50 cups of coffee and ask his secretary to choose one for him to drink, requesting a valid philosophical reason for his choice. 

Addicts should proudly drink their coffee and encourage those around them to take part in the morning drinking ritual. Not only must coffee be drunk for the improvement of each person’s figure and mental health, but students and teachers alike would also be following in the footsteps of some great inspirational people that made their own impact on the world. So as long as addicts aren’t kept awake at night with excruciating stomach pains (it’s probably an ulcer anyways), they should keep on drinking coffee and force others to for guaranteed benefits.

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Justifying Oxford’s coffee addiction