1stKISS: The life, death, and history of OA’s boyband



Caillou and Barney

After a career of ups and downs, hits and flops, friendships and scandals, Oxford Academy’s K-pop boyband, 1stKISS (Kings In Simple Swag), decided to part ways with the stage. A shocking discovery, students have been caught spontaneously breaking out into tears due to the emotional trauma of this announcement. 1stKISS revolutionized the music industry, pumping out bops at lightning speed, perfect for their audience of teens with low attention spans and patience.

The serenading sextet dazzled audiences with quirky electricity in their performances. Joc McDrilton warbled with bold stage presence while main dancer Way sashayed to the emotional lyrics vocalist Shodges composed. The addition of maknae rap gods Mr. Nguyen (not to be confused with Mr. Nguyen), Mr. Nguyen (not to be confused with Mr. Nguyen) and Dayslaardam’s remarkable leadership made the dream team.

Despite their stardom, 1stKISS had humble beginnings. The members originally suppressed their musical interests in favor of developing their teaching career, but the stage called them. A telepathic force brought the band together in the teacher’s lounge where they immediately broke out into song, busting moves on the crusty tables.

The group’s jam session instantly went viral when footage from Oxford’s security cameras was leaked to BigBlueButton. Dayslaardam saw immense potential in the group and took over as 1stKISS’s producer. On March 31, the group released their debut album at KPAC, “Don’t Cheat Your Body,” featuring fan favorites like the “Pacer Song” and “Patriots Jumping Jacks.” Reaching 12 trillion views on OATV, 1stKISS was met with raving reviews.

The “Pacer Song” made Oxford students instantly collapse, legs shaking and hearts pounding with excitement after taking a breathtaking listen. In fact, the group’s popularity has incited more engagement in the classroom.

“Mr. Nguyen is definitely my bias!!! Before 1stKISS debuted, I was falling asleep in his class, but now science is a lot more fun,” Oxford junior and Spotify user, @I<3T.RAN said.

The group went on to steal the hearts of fans worldwide, winning the MAMA Award’s Glamorous Girlbosses of the year. They were invited personally by the President of the U.S. to perform at a diplomacy event, belting the national anthem proudly with Patriot Pride. The show was so moving that negotiations were instantly made, winning 1stKISS their first Nobel Prize for promoting peace through music (their second Nobel prize was awarded for medicine when their performance at a hospital instantly cured all of the patients). After an exhaustive career of one day, 1stKISS became a household name.

Of course, stardom isn’t without its struggles. While planning their next album, the group faced a conflict of creative interest. Way erupted into a heated argument with the group, refusing to approve the next album, “What Does it Mean to be Human,” disgusted the focus would be on people instead of computers. Way parted wais with the group, coding his own robot group, The Wayliens. Although 1stKISS released their next song, “Loser’s Loserthink”, their Oxford fanbase wasn’t able to listen to the tune on Spotify as school Wi-Fi was down that day. Meanwhile, The Wayliens distracted students with live robots swaying to spicy tunes. Despite The Waylien’s initial success, it was a one-hit wonder, lacking the raw passion the members of 1stKISS had.

Even still, 1stKISS decided it was time to end their journey of fame, realizing the flukey nature of the industry. Though fans are left distraught with a lack of new daily tunes, the group’s career remains revolutionary: with nothing but a vision, the band raked in trillions of views in mere days. From the campus walls to the chambers of our hearts, the legacy 1stKISS left behind is unerasable.