Move over, Kardashians — there’s a new sensation in Cypress, and it doesn’t involve Kan(ye) West or BBLs. Coming to OATV on Aug. 9, “The Real Objects of Oxford,” a groundbreaking reality show directed by the elusive Cinematic Cheese Rat Corp. (CCRC) squatting in Oxford’s infrastructure, promises to deliver the drama of Oxford’s most beloved wonders. Amongst the show’s A-list lineup includes a bathroom sink, announcement speaker, vending machine, and a gang of Lock Bloks.
One of the show’s stars is the rightmost bathroom sink in the girl’s locker room, dousing unsuspecting students in water with laser accuracy that parallels British weaponry during the Scramble for Africa.
“Initially, waterboarding Oxford kids was a lighthearted joke as I can’t control it, but now why does admin feel the need to lock the locker rooms and keep students away from me? It’s the second sink from the left that’s the main culprit of leaving questionable stains on khakis,” said the sink.
Failed former comedians, the announcement speaker and its brother — the homeroom bell — serve as amateur narrators for the series, unable to spit out anything other than muffled static. Despite their incompetence in delivering alerts, the speaker and bell have no trouble gossiping with the vending machine. Leaked recordings of the show’s deleted scenes reveal the stingy, elitist vending machine boasting its successful scams on naive 7th-graders with Daddy’s credit card.
The villains of “The Real Objects of Oxford” are the Lock Blok gang, a once vigilante group whose now only mission is to make every student’s tardiness a public spectacle after being scorned by students’ aggressive manhandling. As the gang’s underlings, the rancid gym mats also actively enjoy humiliating students by transferring decades’ worth of sweat and tears, leaving a stench worse than the AP Computer Science pathway classroom during finals season.
However, it has yet to be smooth sailing for the show as the release of its trailer sparked immense student outrage. Reports of unwarranted theft and the accidental consumption of rodent droppings, mistaken for raisins, have caused numerous students to speak up against CCRC and call for a rat exterminator to cancel the show.
“Squeak eek wee SQUEAK ek squeek hiSss,” said CCRC in response to the backlash, translating from Rodentnese to “We don’t give a rat’s a– about the threats. Call the exterminator? With what money? Oxford spent all its budget on fries and the wafer-like ceilings are about to collapse under our production crew.”
Undeterred by the torrent of backlash and threats of legal action, CCRC remains resolute in pursuing reality TV show glory with “The Real Objects of Oxford.”
“Chirp squeakity-squeak eek squeek!” said CCRC when asked about their future goals. Translation: “We truly hope Oxford students get a life and let us make art in peace. They just don’t understand our natural talent and the show’s vast potential since their brains are all STEM-rotted with a lack of creativity, friends, and vitamin D.”
