By day, Mr. Barsnett collects greenies from Oxford Academy students — but by night, he stacks dough in the recording studio. Weaving together breezy lo-fi beats and a flow as hot as the school salad bar fries, Oxford’s own ASB technician Mr. Barsnett has become a household name in music.
Barsnett broke the record for most Grammys won in a single year, taking home eleven awards and successfully solidifying him as the new king of music. Amongst his accolades include best female pop performance, all of the Big 4, best Hawaiian music album, and best orchestral performance.
Despite this success, Barsnett has not always reveled in the spotlight. Prior to his booming career, Barsnett was just a guy fighting off the daily temptation to pocket the hundreds of dollars Oxford students brought in for AP payments. A hip hop genius behind the scenes, Barnett fondly recalls his beginning producer days, spent remixing the sound of the receipt machine whirring.
However, an impromptu performance at Fall Ball 2023 would change Barsnett’s life — and the trajectory of modern music — for the better. With the increasing number of students growing bored of moshing to “Gangnam Style,” Barsnett took it upon himself to provide an Earth-shattering performance of his own.
In a brilliant rendition of his unreleased song “Not Here Today Come Back Tomorrow,” Barsnett seized the entire venue with his relentless drip and overflowing stage presence. Hypnotized by Barsnett’s unique, ambient house sound and powerful bars, hundreds of students immediately began shrieking in glee, instantly becoming his fans (dubbed “Esports Members”).
“I was honored to be cheered on by so many Patriots,” Barsnett said. “Granted, some of them were playing online chess on the dance floor and some were screaming, ‘you took my money!’ when I came up on stage. But immediately after my performance, Principal Dallas begged to sign me, saying she hadn’t seen such raw talent since Paul the Patriot.”
Barsnett’s music draws inspiration from the rapper’s humble beginnings. His iconic producer tag “T-T-Type in your student I.D. (twenty dollars!)” samples his signature catchphrase in the ASB office, and most of his basslines come from pitched-down clicks on his numerical keypad. His music a homage to his daytime double life while revealing an iced out alter ego, Barsnett emerges as a serious force to be reckoned within the industry.
“It’s really hard being so well-renowned. Tons of indie artists have asked to collab with me, and I can’t say yes to all of them,” Barsnett said. “I’m working with this guy named Elvis Presley for my next single. Really chill dude, super lowkey and down to earth.”
Following the conclusion of “Mr. Barsnett’s World Tour” in Lejasciems, Latvia, Barsnett successfully sold two billion dollars worth of tickets. With such global success, many Patriots worried whether or not he would resign from his beloved ASB tech position.
“Rapping is my Superman cloak,” Barsnett said in an exclusive interview with the Damut. “I’m Clark Kent in the ASB office and super rapper when the sun sets.” When asked to explicitly confirm his retirement, Barsnett challenged the Damut to a Connect 4 duel in which the loser would be banished to ring up Oxford HOCO payments forever.
It is unclear whether or not Barsnett will continue his modest career, but he anticipates to continue releasing music, with his next Fortnite-themed album set to be titled “Barsnett’s Battle Royale.”
