The USDA’s “MyPlate” program recommends that students incorporate a balanced array of every food group to promote good health. But what if you’re here for a fun life, not a long one? Say hello to “FD&C Red no. 40 Aluminium Lake” or Red Dye 40, a coal tar delicacy banned in Europe, so you know it’s good.
Encountering a math test unprepared can be daunting, but no teacher can ignore the risk of a Red 40-induced diarrhea stain on their carpet, giving you a fool-proof escape plan. Need to reflect on the 5C of critical thinking? The dye’s debilitating migraines will have you questioning not only the project but the very fabric of reality itself. With benefits like these, it’s clear maximizing your Red 40 intake throughout your day is the only way to enlightenment.
Breakfast
Hydration is key, so kickstart your day by chugging one gallon of a sickly Kool-Aid cocktail blended with one to forty-five packets of the cherry-flavored Nerds drink mix! Chase the delectable concoction by downing an entire can of red frosting, preferably Pillsbury generously spread on top of red velvet pancakes sourced from the serendipitous depths of a local Denny’s dumpster. Finish your morning feast by sucking up a pound of red Jello, garnished with a mint leaf to meet your daily vegetable needs.
Lunch
Keeping up with the Red 40 lifestyle can be challenging for those with busy schedules. If you need an extra boost of hyperactivity to get through the day, opt for a quick and balanced meal by chowing down on a mini-baguette with spoonfuls of Heinz Ketchup smeared on top until it’s borderline tomato soup. For an elevated healthy lunch, create a crimson Caesar salad with packs of Welch’s Fruit Snacks, Sour Patch Kids, and Takis, with a sprinkling of diced Chamoy pickles for an added burst of acidity and rancidness. This salad will stain both your mouth and arteries!
Dinner
The end of the day may feel exhausting and your body might be begging for something other than delicious red poison, but don’t listen because #YOLO! Instead, grab a tub of freezer-burned cotton candy ice cream and mix in M&M’s, Jolly Ranchers, and jaw-locking Starbursts (preferably all expired at least two years). This simple dessert can soothe any stomach ache by putting you straight to sleep for an undisclosed amount of time! For true connoisseurs, skip the snacks and head right to the source, OA’s secret coal mines located under the science building, for an authentic Red 40 experience. If manual labor is not your thing, shove fistfuls of pure Red 40 powder in your mouth, readily available with just a few clicks on Amazon (only $26 for two pounds)!
Whether your bowels have moved on to their next life or you’re waiting eagerly for yet another Red 40 dosage, ignore the haters saying it’s “unhealthy” or “killing you slowly.” Nausea, skin rashes, and nightly throw-up sessions are just signs of reaching unimaginable health goals and peak human existence. Every day you max out on Red 40 is a day you’re reaching the max of your life (it’s all downhill from here)!