The Orange County Health Care Agency (OCHCA) has officially declared the rapid spread of virus Stüssy-8 a “county-wide epidemic.” Cases are erupting particularly in local high schools, as students spread the “trending” Stüssy-8 amongst themselves. Though Oxford Academy firmly bans infected students from entering campus, several patients are reported to be hiding.
The name of the widespread virus originates from a common symptom: a squiggly rash on one’s back that, when decrypted, reads as the word “Stüssy.” Other reported symptoms include rashes in the shapes of an 8-ball, crown, or two dies, paralysis in which one’s hands are frozen in a position pointing at one’s back, mythomania where patients claim that they were infected “before it became popular,” and delusion, with which patients believe themselves to be “warriors,” or “soldiers.”
Though further research is to be conducted on the virus, experts have found East Asians to be the most vulnerable. The OCHCA enlisted Spotify to provide them with data to analyze the Spotify Wrapped profiles of patients, finding that Keshi was the top artist of 70%, while 50% were told their music taste matched those in Davis, California. A customer analysis of local boba shops also found that Stüssy patients composed nearly 90% of all sales across the county.
“Do you notice me?” patient Kevin Nguyen, who meets all the listed common criteria, asked The Damut when interviewed, “I just want to know…do you notice me?”
When more patients were interviewed at The Irvine Spectrum Center, a makeshift quarantine facility for all Stüssy-8 patients, they responded in a broken, incomprehensible language.
“Ts tuff asl,” said Austin Han, a self-proclaimed “social media influencer.”
“Luh calm cop,” said professional thirsttrapper Justin Nguyen.
While the meaning of these cryptic phrases is yet to be discovered, researchers found that over 80% of Stüssy patients speak in a similar manner, suggesting a potential correlation.
As Stüssy-8 infiltrates Orange County high schools and public malls, OC residents express their concerns in regards to their own safety from the rapidly contagious virus.
“There seems to be nowhere to run,” said ten-year-old Leuloo Leighmon. “It’s not so preppy in here…”
Following The Irvine Spectrum Center, Buena Park mall The Source is also on the verge of quarantine shutdown, where the steps of thousands of Stüssy patients can be traced back to.
Upon development of Stüssy-8 protection and prevention, researchers have released a report on the ESSENTIALS vaccine: the first known treatment. ESSENTIALS-FOG9, the virus inserted through ESSENTIALS shots to counter Stüssy-8 in the body, is not only built to kill Stüssy-8 pathogens, but to produce positive health benefits.
“ESSENTIALS-FOG9 is like Stüssy-8’s opposite twin sister,” said representative Dr. Esen Shulsgläzer. “except ESSENTIALS is just…better!”
While the origin and actual cause of Stüssy-8 infection remains unknown, experts foresee and hope for a pattern similar to that of the 2017 Supreme epidemic: a sudden mass outbreak, followed by as abrupt of a decline in cases.