The culinary award-winning Patriot Burger, served at the annual WOW games behind the Oxford Academy math building, has been severely affected by the temporary leave of Jhayne Jhaldu, one of two renowned grill masters alongside his twin brother Cheremy Chitman.
Long gone are the days of Oxford students lining up in swarms to the smoking grill outside the weight room, fisting crumpled dollar bills in their sweaty palms. The famed Patriot Burger, which earned a Michelin Star in 2022 and 2023 for its tender, juicy, perpetually well-done patty, Walmart-bought pillowy buns, and ketchup packets taken from drawers in students’ houses, is now a bygone relic of the past.
Jhayne Jhaldu’s temporary leave during the 2023-24 school year has had abysmal repercussions for Oxford’s culinary scene, losing its critical acclaim amongst students and its Michelin Star. Neighboring burger joints, James Beard Award restaurants, and swathes of fast food chains have tried to capitalize on the downfall of Oxford’s Patriot Burger now that the largest competitor has been eliminated. Additionally, in attempts to reel in a now listless demographic, 85 Degrees Bakery has piloted their own burger but failed to encapsulate the residual flavor of the Oxford Academy weight room odor that so uniquely flavors the patty like a well-aged cheese. Oxford Academy’s USA Today ranking has also fallen three thousand ranks, and is now solely last place in the state of California as a consequence of the Patriot Burger’s undoing.
Attendance for the WOW games has gone down in droves, and with the absence of morale boost and burger-satiated students, sports commentators from OATV and passionate community members note that the Oxford Academy girls volleyball team expect defeat until the Patriot Burger regains its former glory.
“The only reason I ever went to the WOW games was for Chitman and Jhaldu’s legendary burger,” an anonymous student said. “Who even cares about beating Whitney or our athletics department?”
The return of Jhayne Jhaldu is greatly anticipated for the 2024-2025 school year. Having been allocated (exiled) to Jambridge Jhirtual Jacademy, the students and staff of Oxford Academy can only hope that Jhaldu’s eventual return will also entail the return of the beloved Patriot Burger.