Oxford Academy is the only 7-12 school in the district. There is a reason the trend isn’t catching on elsewhere. It is imperative to separate these two age groups as a matter of safety and concern for their fundamental differences.
Oxford middle schoolers have become too confident for comfort. Think about it: How many times has an infant dressed up in Oxford polos run someone over with their rolling backpack? Upperclassmen are facing a mass eviction from the lunch tables because of junior high gentrification. Class of 2025 is the last group of Oxford students who realize the pain of sitting down inferiorly on the gym floors during rallies; as the school packs more and more of these children into its 5,000 square feet, they shamelessly sit atop the bleachers previously reserved for esteemed Oxford upperclassmen.
Not only are Oxford middle schoolers audacious, but they aren’t even real. Consider it a part of the COVID-19 effect; ever since 2020, Oxford Academy has aimed to be more holistic in its evaluation of incoming seventh graders. With the onset of the district’s decision to invest more money into artificial intelligence, the school has added new criteria to its evaluation rubric: “Needs to be AI-generated.” If upperclassmen manage to make eye contact with junior high students without glazing over the tops of their heads, they will not find a single thought behind their beady orbs. Middle schoolers can only spark meaningless conversation with words like, “chat,” “among us,” or “fanum tax.” These 11 to 13 year olds are so chronically online that they might as well be robots. While Oxford’s high school sits at #1 in the state, its middle school nabs at a measly #4, embarrassing Oxford’s esteemed reputation.
Some may say the 7 to 12 combination promotes bonding among different grade levels, especially through Link Crew, TAs for junior highers, and the intramural girls basketball to varsity girls basketball pipeline. However, the bonding is getting a little too familiar. With a rising number of Superb Seniors, keep the little kids away! It’s imperative to prevent them from dying; their weak, stunted, frail, fragile selves would instantly perish from diseases commonly spread among upperclassmen, especially the rampant cases of infectious mononucleosis following the widespread public displays of affection at the Homecoming dance.
The new generation of Oxford students also miss out on a quintessential part of the high school experience: a glow-up. Incoming freshmen are so accustomed to the kindness spurred by Oxford’s inclusive environment that they feel no need to conform to societal beauty or social standards. Having two years to test out the campus waters, freshmen strut Oxford’s two hallways like they own the place, and upperclassmen lose grip on their seniority status. Upperclassmen must put these gremlins in their place before they spawn a new generation of students still stuck in their middle school phases.
To preserve Oxford’s integrity as a college preparatory school, it is crucial to separate the middle and high schools completely. The relocated area should have direct access to the zen garden to provide a peaceful yoga and mindfulness zone, facilitating the essential physical and mental growth of middle schoolers. Under this system, all will be set right: incoming middle schoolers will feel the pain of their confidence shattering, cower in fear when they see seniors, and run away from embarrassment as they begin a much-needed self-reflection.