Meet the Damut’s most eligible bachelors! These hopeless romantics are lonely and looking for love. With a diverse selection of personalities, one of these staffers may be perfect for you!
Anjali S. – Tortured Artist
Desperation: 8/10
A Fleabag-esque philosopher who loves to assert dominance with intellectual debates, Anjali enjoys brooding in front of windows while contemplating the futility of everyday life. Her ideal partner is “an utterly obedient AI who responds in philosophical quotes,” but someone enraptured by her profound metaphysical insights is close enough. ChatGPT may have rejected her advances, but she might find a relationship that fulfills her superiority complex on The Damut’s Most Eligible.
Anjali wants viewers to know, “If I go missing, it was the CIA trying to stop me from revealing government secrets to the public.”
Trisha P. – Wealthy Female Manipulator
Desperation Scale: -5/10
A definite catch with a loaded bank account and adept skill at insulting others, Trisha is perfect for someone with an inferiority complex who strives to marry into wealth. Her hobbies include spending exactly 63 minutes staring into a mirror daily and participating in over-consumerism. Trisha is hoping to find someone loyal and obedient, not unlike her four dogs.
When asked about where she sees herself in 15 years, her suspiciously specific reply was, “Jet-setting off to the Maldives after obtaining life insurance money from my third husband’s truly unforeseen death.”
Zoharys J. – Hopeless Romantic
Desperation Scale: 20/10
Comprising one-half of all athletic staff members of The Damut, Zoharys suits those looking for someone who will fall for the idea of them rather than their genuine self. Indulging in parasocial relationships with K-Pop idols, she’s a hopeless romantic who seeks comfort in romance novels and K-Dramas plagued by cheesy tropes. Her goal in appearing on The Damut’s Most Eligible is to fill the void in her life with a real-life partner instead of pixels on a screen.
Zoharys’ idea of a red flag in a partner is when they “hide cardboard cutouts of fictional characters in their closet,” which, as she aggressively emphasizes, is “definitely not something she is currently doing.”
Sydnee C. – Cult Leader
Desperation: 0/10
A self-proclaimed narcissist with groundbreaking style, Oxford Academy’s quad can’t contain Sydnee’s exuberant personality. Fitting right into a 2000s teenage chick flick à la “Clueless,” she truly is the main character. Her cheerful, plastic-y veneer of pink clothes and sparkling jewelry masks her godly prowess — she is the next mortal coming of every single divine entity, according to the subreddit devoted to her at least. She’s not single but hopes to amass new followers through the Damut’s Most Eligible.
Her ideal type is “someone who will devote themself to [her] cause.” Sydnee declined to elaborate further.
Eshmom H. – Politically-Aware Jock
Desperation Scale: 1000/10
Plagued with an addiction to lifting heavy objects and captioning gym selfies with flexed bicep emojis, Eshmom relies on his inaccurate political insights to capture the hearts of those around him. A feminist, his notable quirk includes being slightly afraid of women, though who isn’t? As a certified gym bro, he wouldn’t feel inferior if his significant other was stronger than him because “she won’t be. [He] knows she won’t. That scenario is impossible.”
When asked what he would bring to a relationship, Eshmom defensively replied that he “can bench 135 pounds — can you?”
Red flags aren’t a problem if red is your favorite color — one of these suitors might be exactly what you need to fill that void in your life.
Click this link to vote for your favorite bachelor of the Damut’s Most Eligible!
