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The Gamut

The Gamut

The Gamut

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Economy in shambles after the Source shuts down

Federal Reserve employees and Wall Street bankers are pounding their fists on the ground after stocks plummeted due to the Source’s recent shutdown. On March 25, the Source OC met its untimely demise after being overrun by Oxford students, exceeding its carrying capacity and damaging critical infrastructure. For patrons’ safety, the city of Buena Park temporarily closed down the major commerce hub until the damages have been fully repaired. In a dramatic series of events, the loss of the Source has taken a heavy toll on consumer spending, sending the economy into freefall and leaving the country’s fate uncertain.

The Source OC has long been the backbone of the U.S. economy, contributing trillions of dollars to GDP yearly. This can be attributed to its longstanding history among Oxford students and Orange County residents alike. K-place, the world’s number one supplier of K-pop merchandise, was a prime destination for overzealous fans. It sold everything from life- sized cardboard cutouts of idols to used tissues that K-pop stars once blew their noses in. With 50 million visitors per year, its loss created catastrophic economic shockwaves that rippled throughout the country.

Aside from K-place, the Source was also home to beloved national landmarks such as EKO Karaoke and Ultimate Esports. All demographics, including diehard K-pop stans, wannabe choir kids, and vitamin-D- deficient Valorant players took weekly pilgrimages to the Source to do the same three activities — eating Korean corn dogs, drinking Ding Tea boba, and buying K-pop merchandise. Its unique ability to bring together students from all walks of life cemented its reputation as a dominant Southern California “melting pot” and gave rise to notable Source traditions, such as taking mildly aesthetic photos for Instagram.

“My grandmother used to come here, and her grandmother before that,” one Buena Park resident and former OA student reminisced wistfully. “The Source truly embodies the American way of life.”

Despite other retail complexes attempting to fill the void left by the Source — notably Irvine Spectrum with vintage One Direction bobbleheads — consumers have complained that the Source is simply irreplaceable.

“Where else can I find BTS albums at exorbitant prices?” one Oxford student lamented.

In Washington, D.C., Federal Reserve chairman Jerome Powell broke down into tears over the financial crisis as reports of bank closures piled up on his desk. After attempting to lower interest rates to no avail, the Federal Reserve resorted to shilling K-pop NFTs in lieu of photocards to jump-start the economy. When asked to comment, Powell stated, “I just — I can’t do this anymore. I quit.”

At the White House, President Biden looked equally flustered during his emergency press conference.

“While I would normally urge Americans to stay calm and all, there’s no understating this,” he said. “Nothing can stop the desperation of terminally online K-pop stans.”

After the presidential announcement, millions of frightened Americans gathered in front of Congress and the White House, holding up picket signs of various Twice members. Protesters filled the streets in a matter of hours, shouting off-key fan chants and egregiously mispronouncing idol names. City and government officials across the United States hid among friends and family members, attempting to evade angry fans. Meanwhile, airlines experienced an influx of overbookings as panicked citizens attempted to fly to South Korea to buy K-pop lightsticks previously sold at the Source.

South Korean citizens expressed their annoyance at the influx of K-pop fanatics, citing the fans’ overconfidence in their Korean speaking ability. Many claimed it was obvious that such Korean was “clearly learned from a BTS funny moments compilation video.” Others pointed to the overrunning of Korean shops as a cause for concern.

“This is just Western imperialism, but with Koreaboos instead of Marines. We don’t have any oil, go away!” one South Korean complained.

In Buena Park, the epicenter of the disaster, a young mother of three looks mournfully out the windows at fires from ongoing protests against city administration. All optimism has left her, leaving her an empty shell of the person she once was.

“Unless the Source miraculously manages to open, we are doomed,” she said. “There is no hope for this country.”

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Economy in shambles after the Source shuts down