Despite what Thomas Jefferson proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence, not all presidents are created equal, especially in the face department. The Damut’s professional presidenterologerizerists have carefully analyzed the faces of all 46 U.S. presidents to determine the top five who make America’s hearts Rushmore.
- Rutherford B. Hayes
Starting off strong with the man who rocked the longest — and softest — beard to have ever been in the oval office, Hayes is the definition of a 19th century hunk, with an intense gaze and a side part so deep you could swim in it. After all, it’s a known green flag if a man has a haircare routine, even if it’s for his overgrown goatee. And, the cherry on top: With a white, old money name like “Rutherford,” it’s guaranteed his bank account is stacked more than the U.S. Treasury’s.
- James K. Polk
Polk is known for annexing Texas, but all the citizens want is for him to text us. With a receding hairline reminiscent of a sleek and youthful widow’s peak, this trendsetter successfully put the fivehead into fashion. Though admittedly a lost cause due to his obsession with Andrew Jackson (the ugliest U.S. president of all time), Polk redeems himself with ginormous, shining eyes that California gold couldn’t hold a candle to.
- George Washington
We cannot tell a lie: the first U.S. president was a cutie for sure! Washington’s signature powdered wig look had the next 20 presidents vying for just an ounce of his pure charisma. If his stern, bad boy-esque stare, rosy cheeks, and 100% authentic animal teeth grills aren’t exactly appealing, no worries; there’s always the bald, rap fiend version from “Hamilton” the musical ready to seduce his citizens via sudden musical numbers. Whether straight from an 18th century portrait or Lin-Manuel Miranda’s imagination, Washington is certainly the daddy of his country.
- Barack Obama
Who better to take home to the folks than the cute Hawaiian surfer boy? Obama’s suave and monotonous voice combined with his record number of smiles out of all U.S. presidents make him a powerful contender for the top spot on this list. Rocking a salt-and-pepper buzzcut that puts the entire military to shame, there’s no need to worry about dandruff here!
- Franklin Pierce
Coming in hot at first place, Franklin Pierce shares a striking resemblance to Timothée Chalamet if Chalamet were 50 years old, had no access to personal hygiene, and styled his hair like Pennywise from “IT.” Of course, this is a positive: Pierce’s aura is simply so alluring that one can’t help but follow him down the sewer. With a face that screams “golden ratio,” a strong aquiline nose bridge that the ladies (and gents) go crazy for, and a 4/7ths profile that can’t be bested, you’ll be wanting to manifest him in your destiny.
Forget the Andrew Jacksons, the Ronald Reagans, and all of the Bushes and Clintons — these presidents are scientifically proven to Barack your world with their handsome and chiseled looks, worth hundreds of revolutions. In the Damut’s factual and unbiased opinion, our five chosen political princes are all 50 stars out of five.
