The Student Newspaper of Oxford Academy

The Gamut

The Gamut

The Gamut

Why Britain should have won the Revolutionary War

Why+Britain+should+have+won+the+Revolutionary+War
Patricia Bateman & Colonizer

Fighting for their place near the top in obesity rates and excessive gun violence, winning has forever been America’s right of passage. In 1783, Americans waved their teeny-weeny victory flags and declared themselves victor of their “Revolutionary” War. But little did they know, breaking free from the beloved motherland was a true loss for their narky country.

One pitiful glance at Oxford’s student body tells all you need to know about America’s tremendous faults. Plagued by an utter need of style, an irreverence towards high fashion, and a sickening dependence on athleisure, one can’t help but think, “It’s truly lacking innit?” Instead of settling to be a Target trash bag boffin, American students should learn from the posh, superior British influence. Elevating Oxford’s uniform beyond stiff polos and bland khakis à la State Farm, elegant blouses, chic pleated skirts, brilliant blazers, and properly ironed trousers would grace every Oxford student.

Perhaps this silliness stems from the dining hall’s dodgy rubbish like “burgers” and “pizza,” which are most definitely not worth the dreadful 30 minute lines. Those Americans have a peculiar saying, “You are what you eat.” But Americans eat muck and rot — good heavens know what a “hot dog” is! Eating sweets and biscuits with a cuppa tea is much more fine than settling for ripoff frankfurters. Imagine the hunky-doriness of lunch if Oxford’s canteen served charming fish finger sandwiches and black pudding just like the ones that graced their British ancestors’ china plates.

After all, the school is called Oxford. Why strive so hard to achieve the majestic splendour of its British counterpart? Where Oxford University’s ranking stands at number one in the UK, Oxford Academy’s falls behind at number three. The British do it best! Simple acceptance of Britain’s superiority is exactly what’s needed to skyrocket Oxford Academy’s ranking.

What the United States needs is patriotism. Boosting national pride, America could have claimed the royal family as their own. Trashy tabloids and snappy headlines of the royals’ latest drama sustains most of Britain’s flourishing economy, something the United States dreadfully needs. Instead of the Kardashians and the Jenners, the States could have the stalwart Prince Charles III and the renowned Earl of Wessex. Better than fantasy football, citizens could devote their time to betting on how far down the throne’s line of succession will go.

The grass is greener on the other side. Citizens can only wonder what brilliant ways of life Americans would embrace had Britain successfully squandered the colonists in 1776. Ta-ta!

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Why Britain should have won the Revolutionary War