Oxford Academy: a tiny, claustrophobic bubble of people you’ve known since you were 11. That can really do something to a person’s psyche — and worse, to their dating options. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell if that hallway crush is an actual crush or the result of being surrounded by emotionally and physically stunted adolescents who need hobbies other than curating their college application. So, is it a crush or just a typical semi-decent person at Oxford Academy? Fill out this questionnaire to find out! 

Answer with “yes” or “no.”

1.) Are they making fun of women’s rights right behind you in math class? 

Reminder! Misogyny is a red flag. So not cute.  

2.) Is the only thing that makes them stand out the fact that they combed their hair and brushed their teeth before they came to school? 

BEWARE. This simple act can be the sign of a good person™ or a Looksmaxxer. Personality matters: they may seem well put together with their perm and Stussy clothes, but you have to think about what’s on the inside…

3.) Can you imagine talking to them for over an hour without zoning out?

And without Subway Surfers playing in the background…

4.) Was the inciting incident for this crush the singular time they said a genuinely funny, non-controversial joke?

5.) If you went to a normal public school, would you consider them unattractive? 

Scroll on social media for a look at a normal person. Take off your OA goggles. Those rose-tinted glasses make red flags look great!

6.) Was your most memorable interaction together that time you accidentally made prolonged eye contact in class?

7.) Do they flex their resume or subtly brag about their extracurriculars?

8.) Do they play League of Legends or Valorant?

9.) Have they ever preyed on underclassmen?

Careful! You don’t want to end up associated with someone in the Superb Senior Hall of Fame.

10.) Is their only hobby going to Chuze Fitness?

One of Orange County’s most underrated cult locations…

11.) Do they work at The Source, or want to? 

Or, do they obsess over Kpop idols in an unhealthy way? Parasocial relationships are the number one sign of delusion!

12.) Is their ideal type based on an anime character?

They should not know who Eren Yeager, Gojo Satoru, or any “Haikyuu” character is.

13.) Would they choose sisters over misters, and vice versa?

Some enjoy abandoning their chosen friend group after finding a significant other. Unfortunately, that’s a chronic symptom of desperation and disloyalty. You can do better.

14.) Do they use Discord?

15.) Do they brag about how many talking stages they have been in in the past month?

16.) Do they unironically update their IG notes every day?  

17.) Have they only been in failed situationships? 

18.) Is their pet name of choice “Puppy” or “Princess”?

Please reevaluate yourself. 

19.) Do they pride themselves on how many people they currently have on their roster?

Not only is this a red flag, they’re probably out of your league too.

20.) Do they post pictures of women without their consent to show that they, indeed, have female friends?

21.) Do you relate to Tom from “500 Days of Summer”?

Time to take a look within: Are you a hopeless romantic, or just a desperate incel? Remember! The line between these can be blurry if you like anime and can’t talk to women.

If the answer is “yes” to 0-5 questions:

This is a valid person to have a crush on. Great job, you may have found the rare ideal match at Oxford! Too bad they’re already dating someone from another school…

If the answer is “yes” to 5-15 questions:

You’re reaching too far. Have you gotten enough sleep recently? Ask yourself, is it a crush or are you just bored?

If the answer is “yes”to more than 15 questions…

There is something wrong with YOU for liking this person. 

Take this time to reflect on yourself as well.

If someone were to ask these questions about you, how would you score?