Matcha lattes are being wiped from cafe menus to the dismay of avid student cafe goers. On March 14, matcha tea leaves around the world withered, shriveled, crumpled up and died due to unforeseen increasing carbon emissions, a likely result of increased private jet usage.
The sheer economic damage of the crisis has yet to be determined, as cafes are still frantically calculating their losses due to the event’s recent and catastrophic nature. Many are also debating shutting down after using matcha sales as a crutch to stay open.
Cafe studying spots, particularly in areas with a high population density of Stüssy-wearing Socal Asians, have begun displaying signs outside of their doors. These signs aim to inform customers of the lack of matcha items, likely to mitigate hostile interactions within their facilities. Signs range from “meow :3” (translation: no matcha) to “ONE MORE MENTION OF MATCHA AND THIS STORE WILL CLOSE DOWN I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!”
However, cafes are not exclusively affected in this crisis. Wall Street analysts are watching in horror as stock prices have been plummeting as a whole. This is widely attributed to the fact that people, without matcha, are too tired to keep up with the market anymore, and are selling all of their shares.
Aesthetic cafe studiers are also spiraling into an identity crisis as they are no longer able to post their cute green drink on Instagram. As followers no longer find their content interesting, cafe studiers are facing a massive decline in social media clout.
“Who will like my stories now? What am I without my little minions who fall to the floor whenever I post a Flat White strawberry matcha?” one cafe enthusiast contemplated.
Recent statistics demonstrate that Socal high school and college students alike have been experiencing a sharp decrease in productivity due to the shortage. Local schools and universities report an, on average, 0.7 point decrease in GPA within their student bodies. History and math related courses have been affected the most, with students reportedly falling asleep in masses— now coined to be a “snoozing epidemic” by local health officials.
Local universities are also attempting to combat the damage by offering affirmative action to high school seniors affected in this trying time. UC Irvnyan, most notably, is going AP test-blind, hoping to mitigate the damage that is likely to carry over into the AP test season.
“>:3,” one UC Irvnyan admissions officer said regarding the switch.
Some cafe owners are pleading with President Joe Byron, hoping for a stimulus check that they affirm would keep their businesses afloat. He has yet to comment on the matter, but business owners continue to fly out to DC, rallying together with signs outside of the White House, demanding a response.
Although matcha lattes may be gone for now, many are considering substituting lattes with Panera Bread’s Charged Lemonade as a means to fulfill their daily dose of caffeine.
“Who cares if I get heart problems! Life is so abysmal without a matcha latte anyways,” convert Lustin Je said.