Victims of the infamous vigilante Instagram account, @oabadparking, have recently formed a support group named oagoodparking to cope with their shared experiences of public humiliation for their embarrassing parking skills. Although experiences range from an inch of a tire crossing the line to parking in Principal Dallas’s reserved space, students are welcome to share their trauma and participate in group therapy, which will take place everyday afterschool in the breezeway.
“@oabadparking once posted my car swerving and captioned it ‘who finna tell these juniors they need their license revoked ,’” an anonymous student said. “I tried telling them I was just doing my little car dance but the next day the DMV pulled up and terminated my license.”
@oabadparking has been the leading cause of widespread angst throughout school, as a senior recently demolished Oxford Academy’s parking lot, and the bus stop, and the entirety of Grindlay Street. Faculty believed it to be yet another case of road rage, but further investigation reveals the student’s embarrassing parking that crossed through not one, not two, but three parking spaces.
“Nah, it’s the parking lot’s fault for not being able to fit my cutie patootie Tesla,” the student said. “My Sonny Angels need lots of room to grow.”
Each hour-long session within oagoodparking ranges from communal crying circles, where participants hold hands and chant rules from the DMV’s handbook, to parking boot camp, where students undergo rigorous 24-7 training taught by alumni on how to park in between the lines. The program emphasizes growth and recovery through humane and culturally safe practices to improve oneself.
“When I turn into a parking space, horrific memories of parking boot camp and the yellow ruler they use flood into my mind. Now I always park symmetrically and perfectly straight, like I even disabled my backup camera because I don’t need it anymore,” a former victim of @oabadparking said.
As a senior prank, seniors banded together to rebuild the parking lot and renovate Grindlay Street. Complete with solar panels for shade and electric chargers, Oxford’s new parking lot entails 400 parking spaces with 100 for faculty, 200 for seniors, 10 for Teslas, two for juniors, and one for vintage cars. Unfortunately, residents of Grindlay street were forced to relocate as seniors gentrified the area to build paid parking spaces for Prius drivers.
“They told me I have to pay extra to make up for buying less gas and weakening the economy,” local Prius driver Michelangelo said. “It’s unfair that I’m forced to park on the other side of campus and pay 20 dollars per hour when I’m being environmentally sustainable.”
With the newfound parking lot and the implementation of oagoodparking, @oabadparking has run out of bad drivers to stalk, and thus has not uploaded since. It is rumored that the account is now working on the sixth revival of @oaconfessions.
