Following esports’ welcome to the CIF community, local Orange County hospitals shut down, prioritizing the finale of the Mario Kart tournament, and understandably throwing patients out to the streets. The doctors were not forgotten though, as they were hired to serve as digital referees and discord moderators, despite their short 12 years of education (lifetime of gaming and chronic online status are usually required.)
The initial planned venue for the event, the Bitcoin arena, was set to be occupied the week of the tournament by another momentous sports event, the Crossy Road World Cup. In response, gamers held a full-fledged protest, wearing shirts stating “Mom’s basement can’t hold us” and somehow gaining a venue as a result.
The second best option available for the tourney was the hospital, considering the high-speed internet and large 8k Extreme Ultra HD surgical monitors that every gamer dreams of. These surgical machines will also provide the utmost precision for zooming through the race track and taking home the Mushroom Cup. Perhaps sitting next to post-operated hearts might remind these gamers of what they’ll never steal.
Although it might seem inhumane to push people out of their hospital rooms, the amount of Mario coins collected can ultimately buy new karts, while human lives saved can’t buy anything of substance.
“These doctors and patients are just haters,” said last year’s CIF Mario Kart Champion, only known by his online username ‘yourfuturestepdad33.’ “I’m going to prioritize what’s important, and that’s obviously not falling off Rainbow Road.”
The competition is almost as fierce as the stench is, with former Goat Simulator Champion part of the rat race for first place.
“I’ve never actually played this game before,” said “rizzardwizard14.” “So I don’t logistically understand how I’m allowed to participate, but it’s not brain surgery, so I’m sure I’ll be okay.”
The same cannot be said however for patient Anna Phalaxis, with a critical brain surgery scheduled the same week as the Esports tournament.
“I’m really concerned about the way society is progressing,” said Phalaxis. “I mean Mario kart over my life-altering surgery? I’m so down, but I didn’t bring my controllers… someone needs to send out a mass discord message or something.”
The clients and players are not the only ones with a few words to say, as the doctors are feeling bamboozled by their career promotions.
“I thought it was stupid at first and a blatant disrespect to our duties as doctors,” said resident surgeon Tom Foolery. “But at the end of the day, I’d rather watch people race 2D cars than have to tell someone their father didn’t make it.”
