From fresh Caesar salads to package-free fruits, the new lunch lineup at Oxford Academy has disgustingly replaced generational school lunch culture and is yet another extreme example of gentrification. To combat this movement, students must show resistance by voicing their anger and dismantling the outrageously...

Compared to studying, obscure Reddit stories on TikTok always grab students’ attention. Through split screens with never-ending content like Subway Surfers, CollegeBoard can maximize student potential, enhance curriculum, and break national records for student test scores.  Called sludge content,...

What some call favoritism, preferential treatment, or downright unfairness, others call a minor head start. This advantageous step ahead, famously named “nepotism,” collectively benefits all of society.  Nepo baby Dakota Johnson once dubbed nepo baby discourse as “annoying and boring.” No...

In the dystopian landscape of woke liberal fantasies, the Charles Entertainment Cheese School District (CECSD) leads the way in releasing waves of progressive chaos. Their latest nefarious proposal will grant students the freedom to modify their hair color and implement a new curriculum to promote proper...

By day, Mr. Barsnett collects greenies from Oxford Academy students — but by night, he stacks dough in the recording studio. Weaving together breezy lo-fi beats and a flow as hot as the school salad bar fries, Oxford’s own ASB technician Mr. Barsnett has become a household name in music. Barsnett...

As a late St. Patrick’s Day gift, a live-action version of “Jujutsu Kaisen,” was released, featuring everyone’s favorite short Irish king Cillian Murphy as Gojo Satoru. Through method acting, Murphy channeled delusion and underwent cosmetic surgeries to become the truest depiction of anime Gojo,...

After her hit album “I Love You Jesus” in 2017 which contained bangers like “A Jesus Bop,” “Jesus Rises (Easter Song)” and the titular “I Love You Jesus,” camp icon Trisha Paytas announced a major career shift after the 825 citizens of Vatican City campaigned for her to become the next...

Move over, Kardashians — there’s a new sensation in Cypress, and it doesn’t involve Kan(ye) West or BBLs. Coming to OATV on Aug. 9, “The Real Objects of Oxford,” a groundbreaking reality show directed by the elusive Cinematic Cheese Rat Corp. (CCRC) squatting in Oxford’s infrastructure, promises...

Oxford Academy: a tiny, claustrophobic bubble of people you’ve known since you were 11. That can really do something to a person’s psyche — and worse, to their dating options. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell if that hallway crush is an actual crush or the result of being surrounded by emotionally...

Situationships plague Oxford Academy’s lonely academic burnouts, as a consequence of Patriots’ utter inability to commit to a relationship. But these agonizing, often three months of back-and-forth conversations should not be cures for students’ bleak lives. So The Damut has decided to scientifically...

The USDA’s “MyPlate” program recommends that students incorporate a balanced array of every food group to promote good health. But what if you’re here for a fun life, not a long one? Say hello to “FD&C Red no. 40 Aluminium Lake” or Red Dye 40, a coal tar delicacy banned in Europe, so...