Situationships plague Oxford Academy’s lonely academic burnouts, as a consequence of Patriots’ utter inability to commit to a relationship. But these agonizing, often three months of back-and-forth conversations should not be cures for students’ bleak lives. So The Damut has decided to scientifically rank our (least) favorite situationships using a new soul-analyzing gadget-invented by yours truly: the Situationship-ilizygerinator.
1.) Absolutely delusional
It’s crazy and insane, but at least entertaining!
That fake version of them all in your head is the only reason you guys are still “talking.” Be so serious. Your lies have gone too far, recreating your own version of “My Story Animated.” Even our 100% accurate Situationship-ilizygerinator nearly short-circuited from these outrageous fibs. Walmart Schoology assigned groups aren’t fate or a meet-cute (it’s Chemistry H, not your chemistry together), and they’re not staring in class — your head just completely obstructs the screen. Your friends are sick of hearing your delusions and so are we…seek help ASAP!
2.) “It’s complicated”
Infamously frustrating. Why waste time on an inevitable at Oxford Academy?
The absolute classic case of when two individuals both know they like one another but just can’t commit to the truth, the label, or each other. It’s on the lesser side of excruciating. A solid take but still a little basic in Damut’s factual opinion. Beige flag, you could’ve gotten a little bit more original with it.
3.) Fake long distance (Absolutely delusional’s evil twin)
You’re concerning. Your delusions scare us a lot!
Girl…girl… (two different disappointments on such strong levels). We don’t have words…we are a NEWSPAPER. This should not have to be a category. You might need help severely (yes, this is a jab). Stop pretending you’ll see each other over break, we all know it’s not happening. They do NOT want to take you to Paris this summer. Do they even exist to hang out during the summer? Call back when it’s over.
4.) One-sided
It happens to the best of us. Those “mixed” signals are crystal clear.
Are y’all really texting or are they just responding? How close are you to having a restraining order filed against you? These are just some questions to ponder in the midst of your…ordeal. Maybe use this time to reflect on yourself…make friends, because the way you’re treating these responses doesn’t seem like you have many. Let’s make at least one thing clear: that “yes” is not a yes for hand in marriage.
5.) “Let’s just be friends”
Absolutely terrible.
“I don’t wanna ruin what we have”…It’s already messed up, bro. The annoying middle ground of “we shouldn’t commit to this because what if things go south, but don’t see other people.” Damut’s worst pick because everything is up in the air. Spare yourself the torture: Focus less on who they hang out with and more on those late assignments! This is when you call it off for your own sake.
This concludes Damut’s situationships ranking; if you resonated with what we said, block them for good! If you didn’t, read again until you come to your senses and can acknowledge the truth.