Fun

Economy in shambles after the Source shuts down

Bojack Wolfwoman, Staff Writer • April 4, 2023

Federal Reserve employees and Wall Street bankers are pounding their fists on the ground after stocks plummeted due to the Source’s recent shutdown. On March 25, the Source OC met its untimely demise after being overrun by Oxford students, exceeding its carrying capacity and damaging critical...

Chat GPT Dating Simulator

April 4, 2023

Look out! The Mean Girls of Oxford Academy

Cady They/Themon, Staff Illustrator • April 4, 2023

Two days ago Oxford Academy witnessed the rise of three teachers: Mrs. Diana Major, Mrs. Marissa Valgan, and Ms. Sharon Ran. Together, this terrifying trio declared their rule over the school, prowling the halls with red matching outfits. Ruler of the performing arts building, Mrs. Major displays...

1stKISS: The life, death, and history of OA’s boyband

Caillou and Barney • April 4, 2023

After a career of ups and downs, hits and flops, friendships and scandals, Oxford Academy’s K-pop boyband, 1stKISS (Kings In Simple Swag), decided to part ways with the stage. A shocking discovery, students have been caught spontaneously breaking out into tears due to the emotional trauma of...

Analyzing the Oxford grade level MBTI types

pebble and d1 hater • April 4, 2023

Using the Myers-Briggs personality test, The Damut has scientifically researched Oxford’s grades to improve mindfulness on campus! In the wilderness that is OA’s campus, these exuberant personalities shine. OA’28 ESTP — Entrepreneur Ready for the Business Expo and a black card,...

Ask The Damut: we know everything.

Teehee and Boohoo • April 4, 2023

Oxford Academy is no whimsical playground, and it can be easy to feel like you are doing everything wrong. You are probably right, but that’s okay! With solutions to some of Oxford’s most pressing problems, the Damut’s foolproof advice is sure to channel your hormonal, teenage angst into Patriot-perfect...

Oxford Academy’s brand new Denim Venom

Sangtan Bonyeondan, Staff Writer • April 4, 2023

On Feb. 18, Oxford Academy finally succumbed to the pleas of the student body: They lifted the ban on denim clothing. After their protests through a mock-spirit week where they wore polos as pants and uniform bottoms as tops, the Oxford students rejoiced as they gained the American right to wear...

Suspicious student involvement at local bakery

Certified Munch, Staff Writer • April 4, 2023

On April 1, three Oxford Academy students, who had gone missing after visiting a bakery approximately 85 degrees west and 0.8 miles away from Oxford, were found after a two- week disappearance — on Cypyass High School’s (CHS) campus. After the incident was reported to Oxford’s admin...

The Damut’s eligible bachelors of 2023

Patricia Bateman and Bojack Wolfwoman • April 4, 2023

Meet the Damut’s most eligible bachelors! These hopeless romantics are lonely and looking for love. With a diverse selection of personalities, one of these staffers may be perfect for you! Anjali S. - Tortured Artist Desperation: 8/10 A Fleabag-esque philosopher who loves to assert dominance...

Peeping up with the Penjamins: Best Pens Forever

Teehee and Boohoo • April 4, 2023

Known for their style, class, and charisma, seniors Penjamin Puang and Penjamin Pwong are Oxford’s greatest enigma. Their intimidating yet elusive natures are some of the greatest to grace this school — no one knows when or how they came to be, only that they are here now. The Damut presents an all-exclusive...

Oxford’s official comeback: New Little Einsteins

Kate Jacobs, Staff Writer • April 4, 2023

On April 1, administration valiantly decided to expand Oxford’s portfolio of “passionate” students with elementary and kindergarten goobers. While students (desperately) beg for more campus space, Oxford has chosen to allocate resources to build a super legion of little Einsteins. Earlier...

The momentous marination of a milky monument

D1 Hater, Staff Writer • April 4, 2023

Picture this: a warm September day on the OA campus, heading to math class stressing over an assignment you knew was due but decided to push off. All of a sudden, your nose gives you something else to stress over. Something smelly, something rotten, something... sour? That would be the milk locker....